Wednesday, June 18th, 2008

The booze ban on the tube has meant that people are now struggling to fill their journeys with hope and meaning. So they've turned to religion. There's the city boy reading 'Conversations with God', the middle-aged woman engrossed in a flyer for an evangelical Christian speaker event, shouting passionately about 'Healing and Miracles!' in a garish, bold typeface, and the old guy in a suit with a wooden cross. He goes along the carriage and blesses everyone under his breath, making the sign of the cross in the air above each passenger with that big wooden thing in his hand. Bereft of the nice warm, glowing feeling from a can of beer on the long journey from Stockwell to Camden, these people are trying desperately to recreate the sweet effect of booze so they don't become aggressive or start a fight with someone, as the frequent delays, sweaty armpits in the eye, flocks of tourists and jolting movement of the train (which was once fun and like skateboarding) now drive them crazy.

The bigger problem with this recent religious fervour is that although it begins on the tube, it soon spills out into above the ground life, causing mayhem and anti-social behaviour everywhere. For instance, about 5 minutes after we came out of the underground at Camden, we saw a herd of young males charging towards us shouting, with terrified looks in their eyes. They quickly escaped into a newsagent's. Then running after them at a slower pace, we saw the old bloke with the big wooden cross held out in front of him and a determined look on his face, manically making warped crosses in the air at a much faster rate than his legs could manage. He eventually disappeared into the newsagent's too.

After a few minutes, the guys came out of the shop, and one had a little bit of blood dripping from the back of his neck. Now as we were just onlookers and don't know the full story it would be wrong to jump to fanciful conclusions, yet stuff that, as it appears that religion is more dangerous than alcohol, and the ban should be lifted right now, because otherwise who knows what trouble will be caused on the Northern Line in the name of the big wooden cross? Bring back booze Boris.