Rites

So I walked in on my Mom and Dad having sex to let them know that I was moving out. They stopped and looked at me, my Mom from the wrong way up, and she spoke to me in a weird upside-down voice.

Oh honey, do you want me to make you up a cooler?

In an emergency, her first thought was always food.

Nah, that’s ok. I don’t know which day yet, so I don’t need it now.

Ok sweetie, well let me know when you know.

Sure. Just going out for a bit.

Ok. Oh honey, we’re outta weed. Can you pick some up while you’re out? There are some necklaces on the table.

Yep.

I untangled my bike from Rex’s and Mom’s and headed off to 5.30 and C. The streets were fairly clear, as it was just after dawn, so I could ride as fast as I could pedal. Noodle and Firebird were still dancing hard at the Pink Mammoth, and hollered at me as I went past.

Hey Cands, come round to mine later!

I’m going to Galore’s.

Ok, I’ll see you there.

Noodle and I are good friends. I wouldn’t say best friends, because I considered my best friend to be Galore, but she’d say hers was Noodle. He’d say his was me. It was kind of a bizarre best friend triangle that we’d gotten trapped in. Like the Bermuda Triangle, but maybe more dangerous. I think it was because we all liked to be awkward, as my Mom said. The other thing was that Galore had given Noodle a blowjob, which he’d later told me had really hurt his penis, but as he was a polite and considerate person, he’d suffered it the whole way. Yet it had put him off Galore not only as a blowjob giver, or a girlfriend, but as a friend. Weird how sex can affect people like that. It’s why I haven’t bothered with it. Stuff’s complicated enough as it is, without bringing blowjobs into it.

I cycled across the playa, kicking up dust in my wake, letting all the prehistoric sea creatures swim again, but this time in the air. My Uncle Flash once told me that the desert used to be the bottom of an ancient lake. Nowadays, it’s only a lake during the winter when the rains come and wash away our city till the next summer, so it can be born again anew. I felt like going faster than I ever had before. For some reason I was in a hurry, but I didn’t know why. I stopped off at Malmart to pick up some chocolate for Galore. After deliberating for far longer than anyone should choosing candy, I went for Harley’s Kisses. Yeah, it was kinda weird for me too. But that was the decision I’d made, and I felt strangely calm and a little euphoric as I took the packet over to Naked Lunch at the counter.

So what’cha got for those then Miss Bomb?

Depends what you’re after. I’ve got some of my Mom’s necklaces. Or I could show you my new dance routine?

Hmm. How’s about reading me this in your soft little voice?

He slid a well-used book with yellow pages that smelt real musty over the counter. It was a Bukowski short story where the woman he stays with has sex with her pet tiger. I got quite into it as I was reading, and barely noticed Naked Lunch’s moan and before I knew it he was telling me to stop reading.

But I haven’t got to the end of the story.

Yeah, that one’s pretty long. You can borrow the book some time ok?

Ok. See ya later.

I headed towards my bike and looked again at the packet of Harley’s Kisses in my hand. Why did they make my heart beat faster? Something was happening to me. It had been happening gradually for a while, and now it couldn’t wait to have happened, to become a moment, possibly the biggest of my life so far. I guess the whole moving out thing was connected in some way that I’d vaguely known about in the back of my mind, but didn’t have the courage to see clearly. Until now, as I looked at this packet of Harley’s Kisses. 

The closer I got to Galore’s, the faster my heart was beating. Mongoose was sat outside his trailer, and it sounded like he was trying to beat his guitar to death, but it matched the rhythm of the beat inside me, the rhythm of my future. That scared the shit out of me, so I took a detour to the Yum Bar to find out exactly what the future tasted like. I hoped it’d be sweet like Harley’s Kisses. As I cycled up, I saw that Angel Fish was behind the bar, staring up at the sky.

What’s up Angel?

Huh, oh hey Candy. Jus’ looking at the stars.

The stars? Can you see them at this time of day?

Yeah sure. You just have to know where to look. See, Cancer’s over there, near Orion.

Angel Fish could always see things other people couldn’t. Like the future. I was glad it was her behind the bar, and not Anti-matter. He was the dark to her light, and he always left a bad taste in my mouth.

So what’s your flavor today?

The future.

Oooh, good choice.

She rummaged behind the bar, and pulled out different bottles of liquids and syrups. She then got out a spoon and a shaker.

Ok, close your eyes and put out your tongue.

I felt solid raindrops fall on my tongue and then quickly dissolve. They tasted kind of sour.

To really appreciate what tomorrow will bring, you have to acknowledge the silent sadness of today.

Like I said before, Angel Fish could see things others couldn’t. I mean to everyone else, I was happy and upbeat. Even to myself I felt happy for the most part, but somewhere deep down, I do have a sad place. I just try to avoid going there, unless it’s Monday morning and someone’s playing Neil Young. And still then I don’t venture too far. But Angel Fish could see it was part of me all the time, even if I didn’t want to go there.

A weird gloop then hit the roof of my mouth. As I swallowed it, I tasted watermelon.

The future will be surprising and energizing. The best way to greet it is to close your eyes and let go.

She then put a spoon of a creamy mixture into my mouth, flavored with all the best sweets I’ve ever had in my life.

This is what you want your future to taste like. But this is what it will taste like.

A jelly-like substance landed on my tongue. At first it was sweet, but then a kick of hot bitterness invaded my mouth, and I had to spit it out.

Urrgh…yuck!

Hey, don’t worry Candy. When you’re ready for it, it’ll taste like the most awesome thing in the world. Trust me. Just never be scared, tis all.

Her soft voice floated in the still air, wrapping round me like a cozy old blanket. So even though she’d told me my future tasted like crap, I felt pretty hopeful.

Sure, ok Angel. Well, catch you later.

I’ll be there.

It felt good to get on my bike and ride off again. What would happen if I just rode and rode and rode? Rex once said that there wasn’t a motherfuckin’ thing out there for miles, so if I really wanted to be a stupid damn bitch, then I should go ahead and do just that. Rex is only my Dad, he’s not my Father. I don’t have a Father, just a few Dads. I think Mom still feels guilty about it, but I’m ok with it really. I kind of used to pretend that Uncle Flash was my Father when I was a kid. I mean, he’s not actually my Uncle, so it’s not that weird. He’s like everyone’s Uncle, but to nature, he’s no one’s. Nature does get it so wrong sometimes.

I got to Galore’s place and her Mom was in a hammock out front, sinking Tecates. She looked at me, gulped down the last bit in her can then crushed it in one hand, while with the other, she pointed in the direction of Centre Camp. Galore’s Mom didn’t like to talk too much. Not since Galore’s Dad had come back and started living with them again. That had messed the family right up. Galore reckoned he came back and claimed he was the biggest loser ever, but had a massive grin on his face that hasn’t left it since, not even while he’s sleeping.

She’s at Centre Camp?

Galore’s Mom nodded slowly then waved her hand to move me on, as if I was blocking her view. I turned towards the direction she was staring in and saw the beautiful pink and brown mountains looking back. I bowed my head in silent recognition as I moved on. She bowed hers back.

When I got to Centre Camp, Galore was in the middle. She was practicing her Tamhulatha yoga, and there was a bit of a crowd around her. It’s a form of yoga that goes back decades here and is based round a trampoline and hula-hoops. I thought that yoga was a humble discipline that involved an inner journey between body and mind to reach enlightenment. But Tamhulatha yoga is kinda showy. It seemed that the more people who watched, the better the person performed. Plus the fact that you were supposed to do it naked, covered from head to toe in body glitter.

I made my way to the front, trying to catch her eye. But it was a little tricky, seeing as she kept bouncing up ‘n’ down and was concentrating hard on the five hoops spinning on her left thigh.

Hey Galore, have you got a sec?

Huh? Cand, I’m in the middle of something here. 

Her voice sounded worn out. But not the sort of physical, out-of-breath worn out that you’d expect what with spinning all those hoops on her thigh. No, it was a kind of deeper, desperate, emotional worn out. As soon as I heard it, I recognized it.

It’s important.

No Candy, this is important.

I remained there, staring, glaring, trying to make eye contact, my head nodding up and down as if I was watching a vertical game of ping pong. I realized I was the only one there who was trying to look into her eyes. Maybe the only one ever. I tried to look at her through their eyes, to see what they were seeing, but she just became someone I didn’t care about, an annoying attention-seeker wearing way too much body glitter. In a blink I looked back at her through my eyes and felt a fire in my throat. I thought my future might be repeating on me, but then remembered I’d spat it out. A hot sting burned the back of my eyes, making them water.

Look, I’ll see you back at mine soon ok?

Ok.

My voice sounded so pathetic and useless, if the struggling of a beetle stuck on its back made a noise, that’d be it. I high-tailed it over to Uncle Flash’s. I needed to get the weed and I needed to get high, and only he had the means. No one could lift my spirits like him. I passed Quirk and Sheepman cutting the cheese at the guillotine and dancing to Chromeo, but not even they could crack a smile in my dry face. Maybe it was because it was soaking underneath. When I got to Uncle Flash’s, all the crew were there stretched out in hammocks with either balloons or guitars in their hands, having a deep old discussion. I gathered it was their monthly book club meet. Others were a little way off by the temple, enjoying a moment to themselves. It was Sunday after all.

Welcome home!

This made me smile.

So how’s my beautiful princess of the sea monkeys?

That’s what everyone joked the desert dust was made from; petrified prehistoric sea monkeys. Grateful got up from the seat next to Uncle Flash, who patted it, beckoning me to sit there.

I’m ok I guess.

My Uncle Flash then communicated with me via a series of different subtle looks. We did this when we were in company, as he got that I didn’t want the whole city to know about my problems. It didn’t take any talking for him to understand that I was a bit down and didn’t really want to talk. Unlike the guys, who were in the middle of a heated debate about this month’s book.

But Whale, the issue I have with ‘On The Road’ conceptually is that although it’s all about spontaneity, freedom and improvisation, Sal and Dean would have experienced jack of that if someone hadn’t planned and built that goddamn road in the first place.

Grateful completed his critique with a long hard drag of his balloon, then sat back, swinging in his hammock, his eyes closed and a huge smile on his face.

Yeah, I guess in that way it’s ironically a love letter to Uncle Sam, as it glorifies America’s roads, made possible by the puritan work ethic and capitalism.

I’d rather look at it as sabotaging the original purpose of the road, you know, to transport workers and goods from one place to another for our god-blessed economy to make rich people richer, but instead pissing all over that and actually using it to escape from the shitty 9-5 lifestyle. If it wasn’t for Kerouac, we probably wouldn’t freakin’ be here right now.

I just hated that Dean for the shitty way he treated his girlfriends.

All the guys turned to look at me, as if I’d mentioned the unmentionable. Even Mongoose stopped beating his guitar. I’d gone and brought relationships and all the emotional stuff into the guy talk. Uncle Flash laughed, breaking the tension.

Aah, sweet princess. You’ve got a lot to experience. For me, the book’s about letting go of stuff. Having no possessions, and I mean people, not just fancy cars and clothes. That’s the only way you can be truly free. It’s what the poet Elisabeth Bishop called, ‘The Art Of Losing’, and if you can master that, then you’ll have no fear of anything. All we can do is try it bit by bit, and sometimes life pushes us into trying more than we’d like in one go. But in the end, that can get us closer to becoming its masters.

So you mean Dean’s excuse for treating his girlfriends badly is that he didn’t want them to think they owned him?

That’s part of it. But it’s a bit more complicated than that. Like for instance, contrary to what you’ve been told, love on the playa does exist. But in different ways to anywhere else. In better ways. It’s not possessive, it’s free, and there’s more giving than taking. You just have to get yourself ready for it.

You know what? Talking about roads, I’ve always thought that the ring road round Centre Camp should be based on a 24-hour clock. It’d just be less confusing that way.

And haven’t you noticed that the traffic’s always bad at the intersection of 6.30 and F? What about creating a roundabout to free up the flow of traffic?

Roundabouts? Wow, that’s a bit rad Grateful.

The guys were back to talking about stuff that was comfortable for them, and it was time for me to move on.

Well, I’ve gotta go. Have you got that weed for Mom?

Of course princess. It’s right here, close to my heart as always.

He looked at me and smiled as he pulled a brown paper packet from the top pocket in his shirt and handed it to me. I gave him the necklaces in return. He twisted them about with his fingers, staring at them for a while before putting them in the same pocket. They seemed to mean something to him, but I didn’t ask. I felt I didn’t need to. I guess he hadn’t mastered the art of losing yet. I got up off the seat and walked towards my bike, waving goodbye to the guys. Uncle Flash followed after me.

Why the hurry anyway Candy?

There’s just something I gotta do.

Ok but remember, here, time is a place. So you don’t have to hurry to get there, as it’ll always be there, waiting. Sometimes it’s good to take the detour.

Yeah but also, as there’s no time, there’s only places to go, so I have to keep on moving.

That’s my girl.

He grinned and watched as I cycled off to the place I had to go.

When I got back to Galore’s, her Mom was still in the hammock staring at the mountains, but this time Noodle was there too, sat on an upturned crate next to her. They were both in the middle of a deep wordless discussion. As I approached, without looking in my direction, Galore’s Mom pointed over at me, across Noodle’s eye line. This made him look up.

Oh, hey Candy, I’ve been waiting for you.

Where’s Galore?

She’s got a shift at the Kissing Booth.

Oh right. Well she told me to meet her here.

I think she’d forgotten about her shift. We can go over there if you want. Then maybe catch a ride on Toad’s art car, just, you know, you and me.

Then I saw it. On the back of his hand painted on very carefully, thoughtfully, was an artwork of a bird flying with huge graceful wings, and in a delicate script underneath, the words, ‘Love like the wind. Galore xx’. I had no idea what it meant and it was a little too schmaltzy for my taste, but the words ‘love’ and ‘Galore’ were in it and that was enough. It felt like Noodle had punched me in the heart and I suddenly wished they hadn’t banned guns on the playa.

What’s that?

I pointed at this doodle on Noodle at the same time as Galore’s Mom. It was as if she was supporting my feelings, backing me up, making me realize that I wasn’t going crazy. Although she did it without looking, still staring at those mountains with vacant eyes.

Huh? Oh, just one of Galore’s dumb ass doodles, you know.

No I don’t know. She’s never doodled on me before.

Well I’m sure she will if you ask.

He laughed, and this made me mad.

How can you be so goddamn casual about it?

About what?

The fact that she doodled you.

For some reason, the doodle hurt more than the blowjob. But probably not to Noodle.

Have you guys had a fight or something?

Not yet.

I swallowed hard and stalked off to my bike. Noodle came running behind, but I didn’t want him to follow me. I needed to deal with this by myself. Then suddenly a key flew past me and instinctively, I caught it. I looked at it in my hand and realised it was the key to the ‘Thrust’, Galore’s Dad’s bike, which was the fastest, greatest bike ever seen on the playa. It’d broken man-powered land-speed records, or so Uncle Flash had said.  I looked in the direction the key had come from and saw Galore’s Mom staring at the mountains. I silently thanked her as I rushed to unlock the bike and sped off, leaving Noodle to eat my sea monkey dust.

With the Thrust between my thighs I could really ride like the wind. I did have such a long way to go, but luckily not as far as the border of Mexico. It had been locked up since Galore’s Dad’s return and seemed to want to make up for it. I flew past Firebird and Quirk dancing like maniacs on top of the scaffold at District 9. They saluted as I glided by, in awe of the supreme machine.

Everyone at The Kissing Booth stopped snogging to get a proper look at the Thrust as I cycled up. Galore was the last (but not least) at the end of the line-up as usual. I did my best not to catch her eye as I locked the Thrust to Milky Way’s bike, before attempting my blasé and slightly bored swagger over to the queue. In my head she was staring at me in wonderment, which made me perform my swagger a lot better than I’d hoped. 

Naked Lunch was there as always, repeatedly clearing his throat. I had no idea why he had this habit, and of course, had never cared to ask. He nudged me as I stood behind him and whispered in my ear.

Have I got anything between my teeth girl?

He then pulled slightly back to reveal his perfect, white teeth right in front of my face. That was the amazing thing about Naked Lunch, he had the most beautiful teeth, if nothing else.

Not that I can see.

Fortunately this satisfied him and he waited quietly until it was his turn. It was comforting to see Naked Lunch’s vulnerable side. If he had one, everyone did. When it was his go, I found myself watching him kissing first little Widget, then Buffalo, Milky Way and finally Galore. I guess it was kind of a morbid fascination, like when people can’t help but stare at a car crash. When he kissed Galore, I was happy to see she didn’t kiss him back. Otherwise it would have become an issue, brought up again and again in many an argument that we’d never be able to resolve without the cunning intervention of one of those terrible tabloid talk shows. Instead, she looked over in my direction and my hands started to go clammy.

I had only visited the Kissing Booth a few times in my life, and those had really just been out of curiosity or for fun. I had never taken kissing seriously. It seemed like a strange thing to get all heavy over, as it can be pretty enjoyable - if the guy or girl hasn’t drunk friggin’ root beer before of course. I can’t stand that stuff. But this time, I didn’t want to fool around. So I walked straight past Widget, Buffalo and Milky Way, and right up to Galore. Her eyes were fixed on me, watching my every move, which made me feel self-conscious about my silly swagger, so I dropped it. Yeah ok, I said with my eyes, this is me now, and I want to tell you something.

I brushed her lips gently with mine, and her mouth opened. But the only thing I ever wanted her to say with her tongue, she just wouldn’t. She only skirted around the edges, avoiding my subtle hints. I opened my eyes, and I was surprised to see hers staring back with an angry look of something like vengeance. Then I realized we were in a battle; we were deer locking antlers, but instead of antlers we had our tongues. We were rucking with our tongues. She got firm and fast, but I wanted sweet and gentle. This wasn’t how it was supposed to be. I heard her let out a grunt like a tennis player and I managed to pull away. I looked at her, and didn’t feel anything. It was as if she’d sucked all the feelings out of me. Like when Superman kisses Lois Lane at the end of Superman 2. I was left with a bad taste in my mouth, and wondering if it was a taste of my future, or my past. Galore was breathing heavily and staring at me intently, a wild look in her eyes.

Shit sorry. I blame that night we had with Courtney Love.

We had a sleepover once involving lots of chocolate, listening to Hole and having a heart-to-heart about our parents. We sung every word of ‘Live Through This’ through sobs, streaming mascara and a sugar rush. I had the time of my life. Now Galore just carried on staring and I detected tears forming at the corners of her eyes.

I gotta go.

She nodded. I turned and walked away. Everyone was still looking at our little sideshow, but I didn’t care. In the distance, I saw Noodle approaching on his bike. At times like this, you don’t know who your friends are, but you know your lovers. I was so glad he hadn’t seen any of that, and said, ‘Thank you Thrust’ repeatedly in my mind, as if it was some sort of mantra.

I didn’t stop to explain myself to anyone and it felt like the farther away I walked, the closer I got to the point of no return. But I kept on walking towards the Thrust, in a strange mechanical way, knowing I was leaving everything behind. But it was cathartic. Now I understood what that word meant.

I cycled and cycled, or rather, the Thrust cycled and cycled, like a big dog that takes its owner for a walk. I was going so fast and the wind was so strong, I thought that if I just carried on cycling, the wind would wear me down to nothing; I’d become a flake of dust. A dust storm was blowing in, and I was ready for it. I felt the Thrust cycle faster than any man, woman or child right into the whiteout. I closed my eyes and embraced each and every particle. Until I lost everything.