It is thought that the first chain coffee shops arrived in London about 11 years ago. Some were native, yet others invaded from the USA and conquered. Now ubiquitous on London’s streets (there’s approximately one every five shops), they’ve taken over from the ancient ‘greasy spoon cafes’, infamous for their builder’s tea and bacon butties.
And although they’re not bad for people watching, there’s no better place for eavesdropping than in these chain coffee shops. Such a cross-section of Londoners frequent them that if you visit at the right time, you can get a real insight into London life. So they’re a must-listen for all English-speaking tourists, unlike the archaic greasy spoons, which possess a unique atmosphere of gritty authenticity, yet no one talks and generally you just see old people nursing cups of tea and staring into space or The Sun. The coffee shop though, is all about chatting incessantly while wired on caffeine and you can hear Londoners talking about anything from business deals to favourite sexual positions.
The best spots to experience eavesdropping are Starbucks, Café Nero or Coffee Republic in and around Oxford Street and Tottenham Court Road, and the best time is early to mid-morning during the week. Because they’re big franchise coffee shops, you can buy just one coffee, then sit and listen for hours at a time, without feeling the guilt you would in an independent one. So make sure you set enough time aside to spend at least a morning in one. After all, no trip to London is complete without a visit.
Itinerary
Estimated Time – one morning.
6.45am. Rise with the sun and the commuters’ alarms, then head down to one of the main chain coffee shops and catch the spectacle that is the morning takeout rush. Here you get to experience an intense shot of the London business world. Business people tend to have loud voices and are more than happy for others to overhear their conversations, especially if they’re on mobile phones discussing very, very important, highly confidential deals. They usually shout out a load of bollocks into the steamed milk atmosphere. If you’re at the Starbucks on Tottenham Court Road, you might be lucky and get syphilis, AIDS and gonorrhoea added to the bollocks. Because then you’ll be enjoying Alan, the legendary field manager from a biotechnology company that’s bringing out a new Rapid AIDS and STD test in May 2009, apparently. Just what Londoners need?
Arriving this early also means you have the choice of all the tables, so you can find the prime position for eavesdropping. These are generally the sofas near to other tables, where you can lean your head back naturally at lots of different angles and listen in without attracting any attention.
10.03am. Take a trip into the world of the archetypal Londoner. Although genuine east enders such as builders and market stall holders hardly ever go into coffee shops, preferring the under-priced PG Tips in an authentically chipped mug from a greasy spoon to the rip-off price of an Americano. Yet as this is central London, you get the stereotypical Londoners in the form of actresses from the BBC soap EastEnders who are ‘inbetween jobs’, such as Natalie Cassady who played Sonia. Now tourists won’t know who they are, but that doesn’t matter, because most of them are exactly the same off-screen as on, meaning that they really do have those cockney accents and Sonia, for example, talks about clubbin’, Ibiza and goin’ daan the ‘airdresser in real-life too. Basically they play themselves, so for the tourist, they provide a thick, tasty slice of London life with all its kitchen sink dramas.
10.17am. Not usually a favourite with the tourists, yet not to be overlooked, are the tramps. Don’t let their poor appearance put you off, for as a source of true London life, you can’t get richer than someone who lives on its streets. Just after 10.15 on a weekday is the perfect time to catch them. They usually have a break at the weekend, but during the week, they can be seen in Starbucks, spending most of the morning drinking the leftover coffee out of cups on the tables, until the pubs open. To guarantee an encounter with them, gather up cups with a little coffee leftover in the bottom from other tables, and place them on yours (making sure you don’t then mistake them for your own). The tramp will make a wonky beeline for your table.
Here’s where the itinerary splits as you have two options:
(a) This is the more adventurous route and takes a day and a half instead of just the one morning. If you’re exploring it, you need to look the tramp directly in the eye when he approaches your table and starts chatting to you. He’ll then settle down quite happily, describing the beautiful sunrise over Waterloo Bridge and how the dew sparkles like tinsel on the grass in Victoria Embankment Gardens, but some of it can be hard to decipher through all the spit and phlegm. From here, you can follow him to the traditional London pubs when they open, and spend the whole day with him as your guide through the story of his life via England’s ales. Be warned that it’ll be at your expense, although it’s a journey you’ll never forget, full of plenty of stories to go back home with. You then have the choice of returning to the coffee shop the next day to continue the itinerary from route (b). You could bump into the same tramp, but it doesn’t matter, as he won’t remember you from Adam.
(b) This option suits the tourist who’s less well-travelled. Don’t look in the direction of the tramp as he approaches, then he won’t ever talk directly to you, but will just mutter loudly to himself about the sunrise and dew, staring into the middle distance, until he’s finished all the leftover dregs of coffee. From here you continue with the rest of the itinerary.
10.56 am. Time to head on over to adland. You haven’t really visited London until you’ve had a taste of the media world. And mid-morning is the time you’ll find advertising creatives with hangovers attempting to ‘brainstorm’ with the aid of a caffeine drip. They go everywhere in pairs, and will probably give you a dirty look on entering, as you’ll be sitting on ‘their’ sofa. They’ll try and get a seat next to you because they’ll be waiting for you to leave so they can have the sofa for themselves.
Don’t be intimidated though as they’ll soon forget you when they remember they’ve got a deadline in an hour. As they try and come up with their wacky ideas, they occasionally divulge interesting insights about British life. For instance, Britain’s eating habits. According to two creatives overheard recently, Colman’s English Mustard has a recommended age of enjoyment of around 22.5 years. If you eat it before then, you are in danger of growing a huge fat tongue or having hair that permanently stands on end.
Creatives also provide a huge dollop of creamy London office gossip. Media companies throw the most outrageous parties, and by listening to their anecdotes, you’ll have the opportunity to get the inside track on just how loose Londoners’ morals can be, when they go off on caffeine-induced tangents about which married person slept with the receptionist and newly engaged account executive. (After hearing all this, legendary field manager Alan’s new Rapid AIDS and STD test product becomes highly relevant.)
With your head full of a fascinating brew of real insights into London life, you’re now free to go to the nearest shop selling tourist tat and buy as many postcards of the Queen and punks plus those little Beefeater dolls in plastic boxes as you can.
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