I haven’t had an alcohol-free week since I was 16. And that’s how it should be. But this year, I’ve gone against the traditional January retox and have replaced it with a new idea. A detox. Have I gone insane? Well no, not quite yet. You see, I just got bored with Alcohol and decided to take a break from her for a month at least. (I drank white wine mostly and with its bitchiness and bite, it’s definitely a ‘she’). I became fed up with her control over my life and my need to be with her every weekend. I was losing my identity and turning into a psychotic she-devil at midnight every Saturday. (At least I hoped it was her fault.) And I felt she’d just let me down too many times, what with her empty promises of a great time. The night always started off well but then quickly descended into bitter disappointment, leaving me with a headache and a bad taste in my mouth. As if a camel had shat in it. So I decided, ‘Damn bitch, I’ve had enough of you nagging me from the fridge, I need a clean break.’
It’s now been two weeks since she passed my lips. And I feel, sober. Very, sober. Not in the serious, sombre way, just alcohol-free. I mean, a vampire could drink my blood and drive pretty confidently past a porker of police vans. It’s the cleanest I’ve been for 18 years and it’s been a little scary being so detoxicated. I’ve had nothing to blame my behaviour on, the mood I’ve woken up with is more than likely the one I’ve gone to bed with, I’ve had to find out whether me or my friends are as interesting and witty as I think we are, and I’ve remembered everything.
Yet after the initial shock to the system, I’ve got used to my sobriety, and can now take about 3 glasses of sparkling water a night. The biggest surprise has been how easy it is to be myself without Alcohol. I used to think that, to quote Tom Cruise in Jerry Maguire, that she completed me, and that I needed her after work to be the relaxed, fun me. But I didn’t after all. In fact, without her I can be the relaxed, fun me for a hell of a lot longer than with her. And I don’t turn into the psychotic she-devil at midnight.
And one of the best things about not drinking when everyone else around you is, is that you’re the only one who remains sharp, so eventually everyone’s laughing hysterically at everything you say and hanging onto your every word. A buzz that’s on a par with anything she’s ever given me.
By not drinking, I’ve managed to reach the pleasurable and happy state I used to hope every next glass would bring. And in that way, not drinking has made me feel drunker than I’ve ever felt in my life. So now I’m scared to go back to her. But I’ll have to one day. Because all of this is probably just novelty and soon I’ll be as bored of not drinking as I was of drinking. Also not only that, but despite everything, I just miss the bitch too much.
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