So now that we can't booze on the underground, smoke inside or snort cocaine on buses, where can we go for that deserved high, the promise of which helps us to get up in the morning? The snuff box, that's where. Yes snuff - or powdered tobacco to any snuff virgins - should be the new drug of choice. Which other drug is brought out at the end of a lavish dinner under chandeliers, in an ornate, silver box on top of a highly polished ram's horn? This is how I experienced it, at a Livery Hall in the city of London. They have it after every dinner, ones that the Lord Mayor of London attends, so he probably has a little snuff too. And we're not talking Boris Johnson here, he's more into crack.
So if you can whip out a few lines of snuff and sniff them up your nostrils at a dinner table with candles, table decorations and a portrait of the Queen overlooking proceedings, then basically, you can sniff snuff anywhere you like. Off your desk at work, a children's slide or perhaps a church pew? Unlike cocaine, which most people take, bent double, off the toilet seat of a posh restaurant, nightclub or old man's pub. Amy Winehouse, Doherty, Moss, Johnson et al should really try it instead. It doesn't make your nose bleed, you don't have to invite unsavoury characters round your house to buy it, and cute little dogs aren't cut open to smuggle it into the country.
It's also cheaper than even cigarettes, as it's tax exempt, which is good to know in these credit crunching times. Not forgetting that it comes in a variety of flavours, the most popular being menthol. I guess coke does too, but you can't usually taste those flavours, and drug dealers don't generally advertise them. Well, rat poison, Nurofen or talcum powder flavours haven't really got that much appeal.
The downside is, it's brown. The song 'White Lines' or in fact any song that refers to the legendary 'white line' just wouldn't be the same with 'brown' replacing the 'white'. '(Ooh brown lines) Vision dreams of passion' or in Oasis's Cigarettes and Alcohol it'd be, 'you might as well do the brown line'. Can you imagine Liam singing that? And if you don't sniff hard enough, you can be left with brown nostrils. Those photos of celebrities coming out of clubs would be funnier though. And it'd give a whole new meaning to the phrase, 'brown nosing.'
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