Sunday, September 14th, 2008

Teeth whitening has now become really popular in the non-celeb world. It's pretty inevitable though really. Because when we compare our naturally whitish gnashers to the bleached Hampsted Heath's of any celeb, they're going to look as yellow as a piss in snow. As we've learnt from washing powders over the years, the thing with white is, there's always a whiter white just round the corner that'll make white look, well, off-white.

Also, like you get a gateway drug, teeth whitening could be considered as the gateway treatment to other forms of plastic surgery. You go in to bleach that smile one day, and the next you're getting a face lift, nose job or a man-boob reduction. Because new white teeth make every other part of your face and body look pretty old. It's like if you just renovated one part of a building, it'd age the rest by about 10 years. So then it all has to be changed.

I know someone who's in the middle of a 2 week teeth whitening treatment, where she has to put this gel with bleach in it on her teeth every night. I'll check out next time I see her whether she's suddenly developed huge massive hooters or not. Although actually, she's not taking the whole thing too seriously. We got drunk on red wine during her treatment, which is possibly not particularly advised, and when she woke up the next day she said her new white teeth had turned an interesting shade of pink. She could start a trend.

My way of keeping my teeth white is much simpler, and cheaper. Just live somewhere like Brixton where people haven't got the money or inclination to bleach their teeth. They have somewhat different priorities. And compared to a lot of the 'colourful characters' on the streets of Brixton, my teeth are like a Vogue cover girl's after she's been 'Photoshopped'. Basically, forget the colour. If they've still got a couple of teeth left, they're doing well.

On second thoughts though, if teeth whitening means you can cane coffee, red wine and the odd spliff and never look like Albert Steptoe, then it is a little tempting.