another tale of ordinary madness…
you’d better come with me.
He flashed a portentous smile, and I wondered whether I should be worried or amazed.
I followed Him down the stairs and across the next floor. heads were out, eyes staring, as if everybody knew.
then the eternal colleague’s voice: oh thank fuck it’s not me.
He marched into His office, pointing at the hard, low chair opposite His high desk.
KEEP ONE HAND ON EACH KNEE AND DON’T MOVE YOUR HANDS!
He sat there staring down at me. I didn’t know what He expected me to say so I didn’t say anything. but I knew the war had begun. my eye began to itch and I reached up to rub it.
WATCH THAT HAND!!
He continued staring right through me until I had the weird sensation that I’d turned invisible. He then dialled a short number on his phone.
MARTA GET ME A DOUBLE ESPRESSO, A DARK BERRY MOCHA FRAPPUCCINO, A STEAK AND CHEESE PANINI, TOASTED, A BLT AND A MARSHMALLOW TWIZZLE.
He slammed the receiver down, then sat there staring again for a while. I heard the hydrochloric acid eating away at His stomach lining.
DO YOU KNOW WHY YOU’RE HERE?
yes and no.
DON’T GET SMART WITH ME. IT WON’T DO YOU ANY FAVOURS.
I know about the redundancies. but why am I up for it?
NEVER ASK THAT QUESTION.
why?
BECAUSE YOU’LL NEVER GET A SATISFACTORY ANSWER.
but why?
the door opened and the new girl behind the desk came in with legs. long legs. her face was covered up by the big Starbuck’s paper bag she was carrying on top of a tray of drinks.
WE’VE HAD TO CUT COSTS DUE TO THE ECONOMIC DOWNTURN.
the new girl behind the desk took half the Starbuck’s menu out of the bag, and arranged it neatly on His desk.
but why me exactly?
LOOK, JUST TAKE YOUR LETTER AND DO AS YOU’RE TOLD OK? THAT WAY, NO ONE GETS HURT.
as He shouted, a piece of fatty bacon from Starbuck’s BLT swung about on one of His canines. He continued staring at me while taking chunks out of His sandwich. I figured it was time to leave, before He did the same to me.
my part of the office turned into the grey cell it had always looked like. it was a Friday afternoon and across the room I could see colleagues gassing by the photocopier. others laughed as they stuck coins into the coke machine. how lucky they were! everything seemed so free and easy over there. the letter had already made its way to my desk. I sat there trying to figure out what I had done. I felt like crying but nothing came out. it was just a sort of sad sickness, sick sad. the kind that only sickos can cause.
Mad Watson, the IT guy, came over to speak to me. he was a freak. we were all freaks. he scratched the psoriasis on his elbows erratically as he spoke. flakes of shed, diseased skin floated in the air, waiting to be breathed in.
so are you going down then?
yeah.
no way.
how long they give you?
a month.
that’s harsh.
yeah.
you know, He terminated 10 guys last week and then right away terminated another. screwed them all right in the ass. two are now trying to claim incapacity benefit.
HEY, BREAK IT UP!
the lines had been drawn and the managers made sure that the two sides were kept apart. the managers were stupid and scared. I felt sorry for them. they really believed that I was the enemy. although there were benefits to being on the weaker side. my line manager stopped talking to me and left a room whenever I entered, as if I was full of pathogenic bacteria. I didn’t need a microscope to know what he was full of. honour among shareholders. keep the company strong so you can rob it.
I was allowed to talk to Bubba though, the big guy in accounts, as he was on the same side as me. he was always up for redundancy, but kept getting saved. he had his fingers in too many pies and bookkeeping pies are the sweetest ones to have your fingers in. that made him corporate enemy No. 1.
I caught up with him in the toilets. he was rocking back and forth on the pot laughing, with the door wide-open and his trousers round his ankles, saying, eat my shit, eat my shit, over and over. it was the best advice I’d had all day.
by the time the day of the final meeting came, I was almost beaten.
the putty-voiced woman from HR did most of the talking. He was busying himself with something on His computer. it appeared to be extremely fascinating, as His eyes were glued to the screen.
do you understand why you’ve been made redundant?
yeah.
and you agree that we’ve tried to find you other positions within the company, yet you turned down our proposals of relocating you to our growing offices in Minsk, Belarus, or moving you over to the successful incontinence pads account?
yeah.
HA, JUST LOOK AT THAT SCORE!
I figured He was busying himself with playing an important computer game.
ok well good luck, because it’s tough out there. but you know, the company will be hiring again in a few months, so you’re welcome to apply for your old job again then.
GOT YOU, YOU SON OF A BITCH!
I didn’t re-apply for my old job. I walked straight out of there and never looked back. that’s how I won the war.
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